Jealousy, money, the need for space and excessive use of the Internet are just a few things that can cause relationship strife.
Relationships are changing faster than ever before — and so are the triggers for break-ups , says UK based counsellor Andrew Marshall. New issues not even dreamt about 20 years ago, such as chatroom romances and online pornography, have risen to prominence. Here is the authoritative guide to what’s going up and what’s going down in the argument charts — and how to stop your relationship being derailed:
1. Low expectations
We expect relationships to fail. The “all men are jerks” mind set and “all women are bunny boilers” mentality has spread from being a joke with our mates into a self-fulfilling prophecy. We wait for our new boyfriend or girlfriend to trip up and then zoom in on their mistakes. Today’s couples think they are being realistic, but often this is just cynicism in disguise. Twenty years ago, couples saw marriage as an end in itself and were prepared to compromise to sustain their relationship. Therefore, they were more trusting and ready to give their partner the benefit of the doubt.
Solve it:
When people ask how many of my clients’ relationships are beyond help, my answer always surprises them: less than five percent. I believe that we make fundamentally good choices. So why so much divorce and misery? Everybody’s childhood leaves them with relationship dilemmas inherited from watching their parents’ marriage. It might be ‘not showing feelings’, ‘how to cope with unfaithfulness’ ‘temper tantrums’ or ‘attitudes to loss’ — the list in endless. We are drawn to people not just because of their great sense of humour or looks, as we imagine, but because they have similar problems to our own.
2. Work/life balance
Today we are working longer hours, doing more shift work, commuting further and therefore spending less time together than twenty years ago. When we’re tired, communication is cut down to the bare essentials (‘What time will you be back?’) as you cross paths in the kitchen. Although this shorthand is very efficient, there is no time to explain the complexity of our feelings. Into the gap leap all sorts of assumptions and misunderstandings. For example Rahul, a forty year-old chartered accountant, did not realise the importance of attending his partner’s company social. He did not understand why she was so huffy the next morning and just put the atmosphere down to a hangover but was in too much of a hurry to ask. In the past, couples would stay up half the night fighting, and probably solve the argument; today they are too aware of that early meeting to want to waste precious sleep time. Instead we complain that our partner never listens.
Solve it:
Invest in your relationship by setting aside ‘sacred time’ that belongs to just the two of you. For example: make Thursday night your date night — even if you can’t go out, spend the time talking, listening to music or making love. Many couples in therapy find they benefit most from the concentrated, quality time they spend together, rather than the counselling. Secondly, don’t make assumptions but check out your hunches.
3. Jealousy
Stories of celebrity infidelity and the divorces of supposedly ideal couples (like Jennifer and Brad) reinforce just how many people stray. Twenty years ago, we had a much clearer idea of right and wrong. But what constitutes being unfaithful today? Is it looking too long at a pretty face in the street? What about a long lunch with an admirer that you don’t tell your partner about? Is it ok if you stop at just a kiss?
Solve it:
Jealousy is a sure sign of poor self image: “I’m not good enough to be loved.” Rather than relying on your partner to give you confidence, find ways of giving yourself a boost, like going to the gym or taking evening classes. Next make a list of the occasions when you feel jealous. Try to tolerate, without resentment, the incidents that cause lower levels of jealousy. Over time, your partner will notice — probably subconsciously at first — that you have relaxed and are not monitoring him or her round the clock. He or she will then be more receptive to discussing the occasions that give you real stress — like the office Christmas party or going away on business without you. So how do you start this conversation ? First point out what you’ve achieved: “I’ve not been commenting about other men or women in the street or on television.” Secondly, talk about your fears about the up-coming event and how they make you feel. Finally ask if he or she can suggest anything they’d feel comfortable doing that might help. Agreeing to phone every evening at the same time or going away the next weekend together so there’s something to look forward to. It always feels better if these things are offered rather than having to demand them. All it takes is a little effort and understanding.
4. The internet
The arguments are not just how much time is spent on the Internet — for work or pleasure — but about starting deep ‘friendships’ in cyberspace and viewing pornography. Research among 1,500 adults found that 46 per cent believed emails, texting and chatrooms had led to a big rise in infidelity; 30 per cent had used electronic communication to flirt, or to sustain an affair; 22 per cent of them had done it every day and 62 per cent had done it once a week. In the past, few men had access to porn beyond top-shelf publications and most were too embarrassed to buy them. Today’s Internet porn is more extreme: we are bombarded with adverts for it. What’s more, the technically competent woman can trace every site her man has visited.
Solve it:
These problems need to be nipped in the bud. Long hours on the computer at home are a signal that something is wrong. Don’t ignore your instincts. Ask your partner why they need to spend so much time consuming ‘virtual’ life. They could be unhappy with your relationship together and the time on the computer is really a cry for help. So what kinds of Internet friendships are acceptable? Forums with a special interest - like Startrek or dog training — are fairly harmless but be wary of friendships made on general chat sites. Pornography is a tough one because everybody has different standards. Some couples decide to share it together and incorporate some of the ideas they discover into their regular lovemaking. Some women tolerate their men occasionally indulging, but ban spending money on the accessing pornography. Whatever your viewpoint, it is important to really listen to what your partner has to say. Unless you both truly understand each other’s opinions, you will not be able to find a working compromise.
5. Money
Different spending priorities have always been difficult, but the new twist is suddenly discovering your partner has accumulated large credit card debts. Couples today are generally less willing to have joint accounts than twenty years ago and instead use complicated systems to divide bills and shuttle money between them. For example, he pays the mortgage and for the car; while she pays for groceries and utilities. These artificial divisions are prone to misunderstanding and acrimony. Today’s couples think keeping their own bank accounts will stop arguments over one of them being a spendthrift. There will still be arguments over whether they can afford the latest iPod, but the argument is blind because in these ‘together-butapart’ financial partnerships, neither knows the real state of the others’ affairs.
Solve it:
Make a list detailing the general areas in which you spend your money, like holidays, investments, luxuries, etc. Each of you should separately rank these in order of importance and share your results. Next discuss how each of your parents might have ranked the same items, and how their choices affected you as a child. Remember money is never just about money, but intertwined with security, freedom, dependency, self-esteem and power. With a clearer understanding of each other’s fears about money, you will be better placed to agree on a budget. Next discuss having a joint household account; if you can share a life together can’t you also mingle your money? A little planning in the short run will help a lot in the long run.
Sex
Fewer couples go to counselling today to complain about their love life. This is partly because we are more knowledgeable and more
Why do relationships fail?
willing to talk about what we want in bed. However, many couples are simply too tired to enjoy sex and some can’t even find the energy to worry about it. When sex is a major issue, the most common complaint is that one partner has ‘gone off it’ — leaving the other bewildered and angry.
Solve it:
Don’t fall into the ‘all or nothing’ trap of either intercourse or a cold shoulder. Keep physically intimate - even when you’re too tired — by kissing, stroking and cuddling. This is pleasurable in its own right, not just as foreplay. Of course the fondling can turn into full sexual desire, but to start with, avoid this temptation until you have established that agreeing to a cuddle doesn’t guarantee sex. In the future, when the hand sneaks over to your side of the bed you don’t have to decide immediately if you’re interested, but instead have time to be intimate together and decide whether you want hors d’oeuvres or the full meal.
7. Space
Traditionally it’s been men who’ve wanted time to themselves, but today women burdened by work and kids are asking for ‘me’ time too. However it, is much less divisive than before as this generation of fathers (under 40) are much more involved with their children.
Solve it:
Successful couples are both team-mates and individuals, so don’t feel criticised if your partner needs space. Negotiate how often you each need time alone, and for how long, so there is a balance between ‘me’ time and ‘us’ time.
8. Children
Agreeing on the basic principals of child rearing is easy; the problems are all in the details. Fewer couples have bitter fights over their kids than 20 years ago — unless they have already split — but the stress points have changed from 20 years ago. Today couples worry about issues such as what happens when the child care arrangements break down, how much freedom it is safe to give children and how their internet usage can be supervised. Parents have always argued about what is appropriate at what age, but these days everything starts younger with, for example, pre-teens wanting to dress provocatively like their pop idols Britney Spears or Bipasha Basu.
Solve it:
Never let your kids divide and rule. Set up a system that allows you and your partner to confer before giving any major decision.
9. Division of labour
Twenty years ago, there were more arguments about gender roles at home and at work. Women still undertake more housework, but most couples seem to have reached an acceptable compromise. We are also benefiting from less of the old ‘men don’t talk’ and ‘women are better with feelings’ stereotyping.
Solve it:
If you pass on responsibility for something, you also give up control. However, if your partner’s standards and time scales set your teeth on edge try swapping jobs for something less stress-inducing . For example, if you are very picky about cleaning the bathroom and feel all the grouting between the tiles should be scrubbed every week, it is unlikely that your partner’s cleaning will meet your standards. Let him be responsible for something you are less passionate about instead, for example, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Be aware that sometimes people agree to do a job to keep the peace, but really are not that keen. Instead of speaking up, they silently communicate their dissatisfaction by never getting round to finishing jobs or deliberately doing it badly — so you don’t ask again. If this sounds familiar, you will probably also be familiar with the nagging and bitterness that accompanies it. Instead try a non-confrontational approach, where you share how this makes you feel rather than criticising, which makes people defensive.
10. In-laws
Nobody likes unasked-for advice, especially when it comes from his or her parents. However, if we rely on them for child care or financial help, they probably feel that they have a right to an opinion too. Involvement from outside is less of an issue than 20 years ago, as these days, not only do people see less of their parents , but parents are also more likely to respect our privacy.
Solve it:
Make certain your partner feels you are both on the same side in any dispute with either set of parents. You might make allowances for your own parents’ ‘little ways’, but don’t expect your partner to do the same.
Relationships are changing faster than ever before — and so are the triggers for break-ups , says UK based counsellor Andrew Marshall. New issues not even dreamt about 20 years ago, such as chatroom romances and online pornography, have risen to prominence. Here is the authoritative guide to what’s going up and what’s going down in the argument charts — and how to stop your relationship being derailed:
1. Low expectations
We expect relationships to fail. The “all men are jerks” mind set and “all women are bunny boilers” mentality has spread from being a joke with our mates into a self-fulfilling prophecy. We wait for our new boyfriend or girlfriend to trip up and then zoom in on their mistakes. Today’s couples think they are being realistic, but often this is just cynicism in disguise. Twenty years ago, couples saw marriage as an end in itself and were prepared to compromise to sustain their relationship. Therefore, they were more trusting and ready to give their partner the benefit of the doubt.
Solve it:
When people ask how many of my clients’ relationships are beyond help, my answer always surprises them: less than five percent. I believe that we make fundamentally good choices. So why so much divorce and misery? Everybody’s childhood leaves them with relationship dilemmas inherited from watching their parents’ marriage. It might be ‘not showing feelings’, ‘how to cope with unfaithfulness’ ‘temper tantrums’ or ‘attitudes to loss’ — the list in endless. We are drawn to people not just because of their great sense of humour or looks, as we imagine, but because they have similar problems to our own.
2. Work/life balance
Today we are working longer hours, doing more shift work, commuting further and therefore spending less time together than twenty years ago. When we’re tired, communication is cut down to the bare essentials (‘What time will you be back?’) as you cross paths in the kitchen. Although this shorthand is very efficient, there is no time to explain the complexity of our feelings. Into the gap leap all sorts of assumptions and misunderstandings. For example Rahul, a forty year-old chartered accountant, did not realise the importance of attending his partner’s company social. He did not understand why she was so huffy the next morning and just put the atmosphere down to a hangover but was in too much of a hurry to ask. In the past, couples would stay up half the night fighting, and probably solve the argument; today they are too aware of that early meeting to want to waste precious sleep time. Instead we complain that our partner never listens.
Solve it:
Invest in your relationship by setting aside ‘sacred time’ that belongs to just the two of you. For example: make Thursday night your date night — even if you can’t go out, spend the time talking, listening to music or making love. Many couples in therapy find they benefit most from the concentrated, quality time they spend together, rather than the counselling. Secondly, don’t make assumptions but check out your hunches.
3. Jealousy
Stories of celebrity infidelity and the divorces of supposedly ideal couples (like Jennifer and Brad) reinforce just how many people stray. Twenty years ago, we had a much clearer idea of right and wrong. But what constitutes being unfaithful today? Is it looking too long at a pretty face in the street? What about a long lunch with an admirer that you don’t tell your partner about? Is it ok if you stop at just a kiss?
Solve it:
Jealousy is a sure sign of poor self image: “I’m not good enough to be loved.” Rather than relying on your partner to give you confidence, find ways of giving yourself a boost, like going to the gym or taking evening classes. Next make a list of the occasions when you feel jealous. Try to tolerate, without resentment, the incidents that cause lower levels of jealousy. Over time, your partner will notice — probably subconsciously at first — that you have relaxed and are not monitoring him or her round the clock. He or she will then be more receptive to discussing the occasions that give you real stress — like the office Christmas party or going away on business without you. So how do you start this conversation ? First point out what you’ve achieved: “I’ve not been commenting about other men or women in the street or on television.” Secondly, talk about your fears about the up-coming event and how they make you feel. Finally ask if he or she can suggest anything they’d feel comfortable doing that might help. Agreeing to phone every evening at the same time or going away the next weekend together so there’s something to look forward to. It always feels better if these things are offered rather than having to demand them. All it takes is a little effort and understanding.
4. The internet
The arguments are not just how much time is spent on the Internet — for work or pleasure — but about starting deep ‘friendships’ in cyberspace and viewing pornography. Research among 1,500 adults found that 46 per cent believed emails, texting and chatrooms had led to a big rise in infidelity; 30 per cent had used electronic communication to flirt, or to sustain an affair; 22 per cent of them had done it every day and 62 per cent had done it once a week. In the past, few men had access to porn beyond top-shelf publications and most were too embarrassed to buy them. Today’s Internet porn is more extreme: we are bombarded with adverts for it. What’s more, the technically competent woman can trace every site her man has visited.
Solve it:
These problems need to be nipped in the bud. Long hours on the computer at home are a signal that something is wrong. Don’t ignore your instincts. Ask your partner why they need to spend so much time consuming ‘virtual’ life. They could be unhappy with your relationship together and the time on the computer is really a cry for help. So what kinds of Internet friendships are acceptable? Forums with a special interest - like Startrek or dog training — are fairly harmless but be wary of friendships made on general chat sites. Pornography is a tough one because everybody has different standards. Some couples decide to share it together and incorporate some of the ideas they discover into their regular lovemaking. Some women tolerate their men occasionally indulging, but ban spending money on the accessing pornography. Whatever your viewpoint, it is important to really listen to what your partner has to say. Unless you both truly understand each other’s opinions, you will not be able to find a working compromise.
5. Money
Different spending priorities have always been difficult, but the new twist is suddenly discovering your partner has accumulated large credit card debts. Couples today are generally less willing to have joint accounts than twenty years ago and instead use complicated systems to divide bills and shuttle money between them. For example, he pays the mortgage and for the car; while she pays for groceries and utilities. These artificial divisions are prone to misunderstanding and acrimony. Today’s couples think keeping their own bank accounts will stop arguments over one of them being a spendthrift. There will still be arguments over whether they can afford the latest iPod, but the argument is blind because in these ‘together-butapart’ financial partnerships, neither knows the real state of the others’ affairs.
Solve it:
Make a list detailing the general areas in which you spend your money, like holidays, investments, luxuries, etc. Each of you should separately rank these in order of importance and share your results. Next discuss how each of your parents might have ranked the same items, and how their choices affected you as a child. Remember money is never just about money, but intertwined with security, freedom, dependency, self-esteem and power. With a clearer understanding of each other’s fears about money, you will be better placed to agree on a budget. Next discuss having a joint household account; if you can share a life together can’t you also mingle your money? A little planning in the short run will help a lot in the long run.
Sex
Fewer couples go to counselling today to complain about their love life. This is partly because we are more knowledgeable and more
Why do relationships fail?
willing to talk about what we want in bed. However, many couples are simply too tired to enjoy sex and some can’t even find the energy to worry about it. When sex is a major issue, the most common complaint is that one partner has ‘gone off it’ — leaving the other bewildered and angry.
Solve it:
Don’t fall into the ‘all or nothing’ trap of either intercourse or a cold shoulder. Keep physically intimate - even when you’re too tired — by kissing, stroking and cuddling. This is pleasurable in its own right, not just as foreplay. Of course the fondling can turn into full sexual desire, but to start with, avoid this temptation until you have established that agreeing to a cuddle doesn’t guarantee sex. In the future, when the hand sneaks over to your side of the bed you don’t have to decide immediately if you’re interested, but instead have time to be intimate together and decide whether you want hors d’oeuvres or the full meal.
7. Space
Traditionally it’s been men who’ve wanted time to themselves, but today women burdened by work and kids are asking for ‘me’ time too. However it, is much less divisive than before as this generation of fathers (under 40) are much more involved with their children.
Solve it:
Successful couples are both team-mates and individuals, so don’t feel criticised if your partner needs space. Negotiate how often you each need time alone, and for how long, so there is a balance between ‘me’ time and ‘us’ time.
8. Children
Agreeing on the basic principals of child rearing is easy; the problems are all in the details. Fewer couples have bitter fights over their kids than 20 years ago — unless they have already split — but the stress points have changed from 20 years ago. Today couples worry about issues such as what happens when the child care arrangements break down, how much freedom it is safe to give children and how their internet usage can be supervised. Parents have always argued about what is appropriate at what age, but these days everything starts younger with, for example, pre-teens wanting to dress provocatively like their pop idols Britney Spears or Bipasha Basu.
Solve it:
Never let your kids divide and rule. Set up a system that allows you and your partner to confer before giving any major decision.
9. Division of labour
Twenty years ago, there were more arguments about gender roles at home and at work. Women still undertake more housework, but most couples seem to have reached an acceptable compromise. We are also benefiting from less of the old ‘men don’t talk’ and ‘women are better with feelings’ stereotyping.
Solve it:
If you pass on responsibility for something, you also give up control. However, if your partner’s standards and time scales set your teeth on edge try swapping jobs for something less stress-inducing . For example, if you are very picky about cleaning the bathroom and feel all the grouting between the tiles should be scrubbed every week, it is unlikely that your partner’s cleaning will meet your standards. Let him be responsible for something you are less passionate about instead, for example, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Be aware that sometimes people agree to do a job to keep the peace, but really are not that keen. Instead of speaking up, they silently communicate their dissatisfaction by never getting round to finishing jobs or deliberately doing it badly — so you don’t ask again. If this sounds familiar, you will probably also be familiar with the nagging and bitterness that accompanies it. Instead try a non-confrontational approach, where you share how this makes you feel rather than criticising, which makes people defensive.
10. In-laws
Nobody likes unasked-for advice, especially when it comes from his or her parents. However, if we rely on them for child care or financial help, they probably feel that they have a right to an opinion too. Involvement from outside is less of an issue than 20 years ago, as these days, not only do people see less of their parents , but parents are also more likely to respect our privacy.
Solve it:
Make certain your partner feels you are both on the same side in any dispute with either set of parents. You might make allowances for your own parents’ ‘little ways’, but don’t expect your partner to do the same.
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